Blackmail
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote \' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.\' But he wasn\'t very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote \'Dear Jesus, I\'m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.\' He read it back and wasn\'t happy with that one either. He tried a third version. \'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.\' He read that one too, but he still wasn\'t satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. \'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you\'d better send me a new bike.\'
Strange Illness
It was the doctor\'s last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. The mother asked if he would examine her daughter, as she had been complaining about a number of worrying symptoms. He examined her closely and told her he believed the girl was pregnant. The mother protested very strongly. \'Don\'t be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man\' The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.
The doctor studied them both very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong, to which the doctor replied. \'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the the East.\'
Christmas Post
\'A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. What denomination do you want ? asked the lady at the counter. \'Good God!\' she replied, Has it come to this? I suppose you\'d better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian.
Christmas Service
It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. \'Well\' said the clergyman \'I guess there\'s no point in having a service today.\' \'Well that\'s not how I see it. said the farmer. If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.\'
A Car For Christmas
Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. \'Okay.\' said his father \'I tell you what I\'ll do. If you can get your \'A\' level grades up to \'A\'s and \'B\'s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I\'ll consider the matter very seriously.\'
A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said \'I\'m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I\'m very disappointed that you haven\'t had your hair cut yet.
Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. \'Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I\'ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.\' \'Yes. I\'m aware of that...\' replied his father \'... but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?\'
Luck of the Draw A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. \'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?\' The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. \'My business has gone bust and if I don\'t get some money soon I\'ll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.\' Lottery night comes, but he\'s unlucky. So he prays to God again. \'Please God, I\'ve lost my car and now they\'re trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.\' Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. \'Undeterred, be prays to God again. \'I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.\' Suddenly there\'s a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. \'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.\'
分页标题#e# Give Me A Push It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.
Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink. \'Th\'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth.\" \"Help you with a push!\" said
Harry. \"You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!\" And slammed the door into the man\'s face. He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife. \"How could you be so mean and uncharitable.\" she said. \"Surely this evening\'s sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you.\" Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all. On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. \"Hey mister, needing a push, where are you? The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. \"Over here thur, on the thwing.\" Give Us This Day The president of the Festive Foods Corporation was included in a papal audience and he took the opportunity of making a business proposition to the Pope; that if he could arrange for the Lord\'s Prayer to be changed from \"Give us this day our daily bread\" to \"Give us this day our daily turkey\" throughout the whole of Advent and Christmas. In exchange the Festive Foods Corporation would give £20 million to Catholic charities. The Pope declined his offer. A few weeks later the man called the Pope and upped the offer to £50 million; but once again it was turned down. A few weeks before the beginning of Advent the man came back to the Pope with an astonishing offer of £100 million. The Pope considered all the good works that could be done with such a large amount of money and decided to go ahead. The next day he called a special meeting of the Cardinals to let them know about the situation. \"Well\" said the Pope. \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we are to receive £100 million. The bad news is that we have lost the Wonderloaf account.\"
The Moth A man wandered into a doctor\'s consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a \'good will to men\' mood, agreed to see him. The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room. \"How can I help you?\" said the doctor. \"Well, it\'s like this\" said the man. \"I keep thinking I\'m a moth\". \"A moth?\" \"Yes\" the man replied. \"I\'m convinced that I\'m a moth\". \"Well I\'m very sorry, but you\'re in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist\". \"That\'s what I\'ve been thinking\" replied the man . \"Well, as it happens, I know just the man\". said the doctor \"I\'ll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday.\" The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment. \"Tell me\" said the doctor \"It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I\'m a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?\" \"Well\" the man said in a resigned voice \"The door was open and the lights were on .....\".
分页标题#e# Party Time \"Are you coming to the office Christmas party tomorrow night?\" the young man asked his colleague. \"Well\" replied his friend \"I\'d like to but I\'m afraid I\'ve got to stay home. My pet will become very anxious if I stay out late.\" \"Pet?\" replied the young man \"I didn\'t know you\'d got one. What is it?\" \"A centipede.\" \"A centipede? That\'s unusual\" But that\'s no problem. Why don\'t you bring him with you?\" The colleague agreed and the young man said he would collect him from his home. On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner. \"Ready for the Christmas party?\" \"No I\'m not\" he replied. \"What\'s the problem?\" \"I\'ve been dressed for absolutely ages and Percy\'s still not ready\". \"Percy?\" \"Yes, my centipede. For goodness sake Percy, hurry up. We\'ll be late for the party at this rate.\" Percy did not respond. After a few minutes the colleague called again, but this time he was extremely cross. \"We\'re fed up with waiting for you. If you don\'t come right away we\'re going without you.\" \"Oh shut up!\" an extremely irritated centipede replied. \"You know I always have trouble gettin
g my boots on!\"